I will be twenty-five on December and I little bit worried about myself.

I don’t know whether it’s normal, but I’m still on my way of finding myself. If you are my close friends, you know that I have changed my job a lot: a teacher, an editor (and journalist), a public relations officer, or –maybe the quite loud one—an aspiring writer, and for the time being, a lecturer. Without exact life goals, I feel like being Jack Sparrow without compass: kind of lost. And mentioning that I’m still talking about “finding myself” again and again, makes me—or even people near me—sick.

Last week, I just came back from Yogyakarta. It was a scholarship pre-departure program hosted by LPDP. I want to tell you that I miss them a lot: the people, the moments, everything. It was a super fantastic event. I will share about it later. What I want to say here is that I envied other awardees because inside my eyes, they knew precisely what they’re going to do and what they were living for. Those people are superb, while in other side I’m just a kind of adverb.

However, the burden of being a Jackie Chan on Who Am I doesn’t trigger the bullet of negativity inside me. Or let say sometimes it does, but fortunately it can’t lead my entire body and mind. For the time being, I treat life as the pilgrimage of finding meaning of my own existence. I may be far from the finish line but as long as I keep walking, I think it is fine. 

2016 is near. I am going to continue my education on that year insya Allah, but please don’t ask me where (I’m still working on getting Letter of Acceptance). Talking about study, I remember the first lecture I gave to matriculation students: did you know why you were here? Right know I’m asking the same question to myself. And the fact that I’m awardees of a scholarship program and being prepared to be a future leader or a kind of life-changing monk within my community, ignites tsunami inside my brain: can I do that? The reality that I still work on defining myself makes me little worried, while in other hand the actuality that I’m not idle also create a good wave of positivity.

Sometimes I’m standing against my favorite quote “just do it” and deciding to be an agent of “just think it”. Or maybe I over-ruminate all of this and I’m unconsciously filming (and also playing) a stupid television drama.  Well I’m still confused, but at least I’m moving. I’m doing something. With that said, the next five years will be a very vital journey of my life. And I won’t give up of discovering my meaning.

P.S: I write in English because I am going to have IELTS test on October. This is a kind of practice and adaptation. Pray for me yeah :D

Friday, September 18, 2015 by Muhammad Haekal
Categories: , 10 comments

Comments (10)

  1. May The blessing and bounty be upon you. The way should be easy to pass as long as u have the intention along with the effort. Good luck for the IELTS. way closer to ur dream.

  2. in my point of view , i think it's a good sign that you feel 'scare' of your direction , it means you there's an awaken conscious as a young adult . Believe me the journey to search yourself is won't stop until forever, when you stop searching it means you die before your time .... human was made to questioning his/her authenticity .... 25 is a good number by the way ! enjoy the ride ! keep anxious !

  3. Halo haekal! Reading your story made me realize that i wasnt the only one who felt this way. dont worry, everything will go as the way it is. keep up the good work and enjoy the process. it might be the sign of quarter life crisis XD. Nice sharing...

    Anyway good luck for the IELTS test. all the best for your university application.

  4. @anonim: amiin, ya Allah. thank you :)

    @octora: hmm. that's a good point. thanks, mbak. I hope I can see you again to talk about it.

    @sitisarah: alright. finally I find someone who has same experience. haha. thank you

  5. youre most welcome XD. im wondering have you read the alchemist? a good book in quarters life crisis hahahaha

  6. yop. I have.
    It's really cool.

  7. saya gak tahu apa yang bikin saya mampir lagi ke blog ini.

    but hi, i envy you. The way you scare your direction, the way you 'envy' your superb friends, and the way you got lucky by LPDP :))

    (and hi, been a loooong time no see your superb blog)

  8. i would be grateful if could borrow me the book.

    see you

  9. @ratna: hai anak muda apa kabarr??
    hahaha. long time no see :D

    @joko: I believe you'll have a very great journey. Write your own "alchemist" story, mate :)

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